You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.