Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Flock of bats
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
That’s fair
Oh. My. God.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*