Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My dog ate my work from home.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.