I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.