[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
They grow up so quick
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots