At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The biggest mystery of our time
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why