The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Not today.. 😂
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
saw this in a dream
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547