[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
pep talk
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work