My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami