Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.