Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I can’t stop watching this.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”