“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
The glockness monster
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.