Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
How to wake up a Beagle
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*