checking out some reviews of my local library
You Might Also Like
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”