Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Donkey Kong sommelier
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Steam Forums
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Well well well…
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.