[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Happens to everyone.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.