I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
5 ways to appear taller
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The Friday File.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.