My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
These work great until they don’t.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in