People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I think this should do it.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.