*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Every time.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.