sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
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“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m about to risk it all
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
welp
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
i love modern commerce
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.