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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.