I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.