You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.