[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
They’re on their honeymoon
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs