A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
secret recipe
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I feel seen.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.