Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
no!! no!!!!!!
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.