If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The internet is full of many things
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”