Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”