COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
*checks Timeline*…
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats