My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?