Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
went fishing caught a bass
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person