Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?