[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Love is in the air fryer.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS