Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.