the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry