One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.