breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You Might Also Like
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.