My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me trying to “trust the process”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”