Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
man: wait
time: no
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.