*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.