Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
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“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.