NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
So sick of all these stupid rules
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
At an art museum and I thought this was art