The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
You Might Also Like
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.