I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Weirdly Wednesday.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever