Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire