I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh