[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Oh yeah that’s it
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”