Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag