Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.